Interactions with God #92
My birthday is on November 20th and in the year 2002, I was not expecting any presents. Martha didn’t have any money to buy anything, even though she wanted to. All the more, as she was still not happy that I managed to finagle a present for her birthday, without spending a dime. I did get a present though. This one was from God Himself, and it was the best birthday present I have ever gotten.
On the day of my birthday, I intended to go to the quarterly Vineyard Pastor meeting. Since I was unemployed, the daylong event was not a problem. The church plant was dying, but I was still a pastor. Being the “Enigma” to most of them, conversation with me was generally avoided. Even so, I liked to go to these things just to see everyone. I think it was nice to hear what great things God was doing for others, offering some hope that His crushing blows to me would soon stop.
That morning, I got up and took a shower like always. While in the shower, my thoughts turned rather dark. I took a good look at where I was. I had failed in ministry in Houston, then in Nashua, NH, again in Manchester, NH., and it looked very much like I was about to fail again in Cave Creek, AZ. I came to the most obvious conclusion. I am not called of God.
Ouch. Continuing in the same direction, I remembered the visitation of Jesus that I experienced in 1984. I had seen Him standing in front of me. I had asked HIM to take my life and do whatever it took to make me the best that I can be, not the best I can make myself. I watched Him write down something in a rather large book, then I saw the vision lift away. Yet, here I was failing at everything. What if, that event didn’t happen? I was pretty distraught at that time, so maybe, I made it all up in my head. OH DEAR GOD! I have lied to myself this whole time!! How arrogant! How stupid!
I dropped to my hands and knees and just cried.
After about twenty minutes, I got up, brushed myself off emotionally, got out of the shower, and then got dressed. Feeling rather down, I still went to the Vineyard Christian Fellowship Quarterly Pastor Meeting.
It was at the Gilbert Vineyard, Jack Moraine’s church. Martha came too. We talked to a few people, mostly small talk. No one really wanted to get into a discussion with me. There were too many questions that no one wanted to face. Why would God do this? Was there some sin? There was no encouragement in talking to me, no hope, and no joy that morning.
For the first session, the local leaders had invited a guy from California named Ken Blue in to speak to us all. It was a great talk. Ken spoke about how the church needs to do a better job reaching out to its own who are hurting. He challenged all of the leaders to improve on this area. Of course everyone agreed…
After the session, we broke for lunch. We were eating pizza, using the typical round tables almost every church has. Jack’s church had a basement/kitchen area. There were about 10 tables set up for folks to eat at. I sat down at a table where some of the pastors from The North Phoenix Vineyard were sitting. Martha was on my left. After a few minutes, the only seat left open in the entire room was the seat on my left. Again, it was no surprise to me. No one wanted to sit next to me.
After a few more minutes a guy named Mark sat down. I didn’t know the guy, neither did anyone else at the table. He was a friend of Ken Blue, and had just tagged along for the ride. Martha was engaged in a conversation with several people on the other side of her, so she was not aware of the guy. As he sat down, he introduced himself and asked how I was doing. Look, I am half-Italian and half-Irish. If you ask me how I am doing, I will tell you. “Well, I have been out of work almost a year and a half. I can’t afford to pay my rent for the next month and my church plant is dying.” I said this with a glint of humor. Then I added, “and God hates me.” No, I didn’t talk like that all the time. I was hurting that morning…a lot.
Mark responded by saying, “God doesn’t hate you! No, He loves you…” It was then that I tuned him out. I did appreciate what he was trying to do. He didn’t try to tell me how to look for a job, or suggest some action that I needed to take in order to fix my church. He didn’t ask if I was in some kind of sin. He was doing his best to offer encouragement. He was saying exactly what I would say if the situation were reversed. So, in the middle of hearing…”whaaa whaaa, whaaa”, I then heard him say “You know, you asked Him to do this…and then you saw Him write it down.” Yes, that is exactly what he said.
Now, you must understand. Every word of this is true. I am not adding or taking away anything from these events. I DID NOT know this guy! He DID NOT know me! He knew nothing of what happened to me in Austin, TX in 1984. The only one in the entire room who did, was on my right, and SHE was not involved in this conversation at all.
“Waaawhat did you say?” I said to him. He repeated what he said a second earlier. I said “Haahow did you know?” He replied, “I have a prophetic gift.” Ya think?! Ok, I don’t remember much of the conversation afterward. I told him about some of my dreams, the pregnant female warrior one in particular. He believed the pregnancy was a sign of an impending ministry that would be birthed. Other than that, I didn’t even remember this guy’s name! I found out years later, his name was Mark Cowper-Smith.
Why so lax about what was said afterward? Because I was completely overwhelmed! What no one but God knew, was the breakdown that I had in the shower just hours before. I had doubted the very event this guy was prophetically reminding me of! It didn’t matter what this guy’s name was, or who he was. No, because God HIMSELF, just spoke to me a very straightforward message through this guy, who He sent from another state! The message became a concrete platform, a solid steel post for my faith to stand on. He said to me…”Dude, Stop doubting! 1984 did happen. And yes, it was me that day. I am still doing what you asked me to do. Be patient. You are mine and I am yours and that is not going to change.” Yea, that is pretty much what He said to me on my birthday. It was, and still is, the best birthday present I have ever gotten.