A Really Good Work

I struggle a lot with my value before God, even with finally understanding my calling.

After Jesus appeared to me in August of 1984, I was on fire for Him. I did everything a good Christian would do. I joined a church, joined 2 college fellowship groups, and even went witnessing in a bar district for college kids, regularly.

By March of that next year The Holy Spirit spoke to me, and told me to quit school and join a ministry in Houston. It took a month of Him telling me, so I can't post it as some noble, faithful thing, but I did finally do it.

The ministry, after 2 years was a disaster. The pastor, had a foul mouth, lied, and wasn't always nice to others...especially if they dissagreed.

My first real Christian struggle was "did I hear God wrong?"

This posses a lot of questions to a rather young Christ follower.

"If I got it wrong, why did He not stop me?"

"If I didn't get it wrong, why did He want me to go there?"

Knowing God IS in fact all powerful, and good, I did not get it wrong as He would have stopped me. So He did want me to go to Houston, and join this ministry...even if it was a mess.

Most "christians", like Job's friends can't accept that simple truth...God directs us on a unpleasant path to make us grow.

"So, He wants us to grow, to be more useful in ministry!"

That IS what I thought, for many, many, years following. It IS the heart of my biggest struggle.

"When will I get to serve!?"

Look, when I started this journey, I would have gone to a dangerous country to share the Gospel. I would have done anything. I just wanted to serve. Yet, I knew I needed to learn more about the God I wanted to serve.

Even in Houston during a meeting with the house, the pastor asked us all, why we were there. I chimed up quickly "To learn more about God!"

The pastor said "Wrong! you are here to serve God!" I felt guilty for saying what I said then, like I was being selfish, or something.

After that pastor exposed himself as errant, I still pursued God as any good Christian should. I joined churches, and served everywhere I could. I met with a huge amount of resistance, and poor treatment, from most leaders, and other believers. I was eager, but I didn't push myself, or become rude. It seemed to me that most just felt I wasn't qualified, or called.

Yet, no man can stand in God's way. If He wanted me to do something, HE would do it, and no one could stop Him.

So, after years of failed ministry attempts, resistance, dissmissiveness, and rudeness, from "church" people, I realized all those years ago, I was right. I was in Houston to learn...to grow.

Again, grow for serving?

I am going to be 62 this year. I know Moses didn't really start to serve until he was 80, so I've possibly got 20 more years...ugh.

"You could serve now! Just go to a soup kitchen!"

Yes, I've heard that before, done that before.

Sorry, but whatever I do, I meet with the same...rudeness, dissmissiveness, and zero effect. It has become so discouraging, that whenever an opportunity to serve comes up, I now hesitate.

As Martha can attest, I generally end up doing it anyway, only to face the same old treatment.

As I said already, no one can stop God, and God's servant, not disobedient pastors, church people, demons or Satan himself...no one.

He wants this difficulty for me. It is obvious.

"Why?"

As I have spent weeks now alone in my house by the beach, this has been my question to Him...everyday.

Oh, He is still chatting, directly via His Spirit, dreams, and curcumstances. Still, I have spent countless hours searching through, what He is saying, scripture, and my past to piece together an understanding.

I think I finally understand some things.

First off, as a follower of Jesus, He doesn't need us to do anything! He is God. He created the entire universe out of nothing! Nothing! Why would He EVER be sitting, wringing His hands and worrying about whether, or not, Lou is going to go mow a lawn for an invalid woman down the street?

All He has to do is tell me! I left college for Him! It was already paid for!

"Maybe you are not listening?"

Do you REALLY think that THE God of the universe, can't get His message across to someone who isn't listening?

He can, Pharoah wasn't listening...

Now for someone who is actively listening, it is then just a matter of plugging along, and waiting for a command.

Walking by Faith, not by sight.

Sight is seeing the need.

Faith is "knowing" when and where...just knowing.

I have learned to trust God to guide me by His word (written or spoken directly), and curcumstances as well.

You just know.

Directions, roads to travel down, show up all the time. Which road to pick always starts with a simple glance upward, with a faith that HE WILL guide me.

This IS walking by Faith.

If I think I can miss it, I'm not trusting Him.

If I think I can get it wrong, I'm not trusting Him.

If I think He won't guide, I'm not trusting Him.

He doesn't need our service. Not even remotely. Works of service are just that...works.

Works in order to "be accepted or approved" are worthless. Works that are naturally generated by faith, are what make God smile.

He wants faith in Him. It is the most important thing. Your growth. It is why you are here.

I'm sorry, but we are NOT His hands and feet. We ARE His heart.

So, serve where, and when God points. Where HE points, not where "well-meaning" masters point. Be confident in your relationship with God. He WILL guide you.

Just know, the success of the service is up to Him, not you. Even in your mistakes and rebellion, He will accomplish what He wants...Jonah, anyone?

The key here is to let go of the struggle. It doesn't matter what pastor doo doo head says. Follow Jesus Christ, through His Holy Spirit.

He definately can talk to you. No one can stop Him, especially you.

If He wants it done, by you, you WILL know. You cannot miss God's plan. You are just not that powerful.

I balked for 30 days. He did get me to quit college in my senior year. Yes, HE did. I take no credit in that one.

He doesn't need us to do anything. He wants us to trust Him. Once we trust Him, then if He wants it done, we WILL do it by choice...or not.

Do you believe that? It is the way God is described in scripture.

You can believe in Him, or trust yourself, or pastor doo doo head.

I'd say it's up to you, but truthfully, He will do that too.

Growth is good. It is a work in itself...

It is His work.