Dismissed Again
Day one of the search for a church where we can fit in... A bit saddened by the experience, but trusting God to find us a home.
Today, I went to Tomoka Christian Church, on a recommendation by the folks I met out front Wednesday. Martha stayed home, as has been the norm for the last 15 years or so when we are hunting for a church. Not being rebellious, she just doesn’t want to waste any time playing nice to people who are not interested in building a real relationship. Believe it or not, it is very New Englandish of her. So, she lets me do the hunting and vetting.
I knew it was a large church from what our new neighbors said and by my visit to their website. Not a fan of big churches. Not because of the size, but more because they tend to lose that personal connection thing that is essential in a real Christian church. This one was no exception.
Of course, the church was clean, beautiful and pleasant looking. I was also, per protocol, greeted several times by “Greeters” who are assigned the task of being friendly and greeting all who come. Generally, Greeters are supposed to be on the lookout for newcomers to make sure they feel welcome. I know this because I have been one and have also asked people to do the greeter thing. Yes, they were friendly enough. “Hello, welcome to Tamoka Christian”… That was pretty much it however.
After three greets of the same caliber, I found a seat in the back. I went to the middle of the row and sat down. No one said boo to me. Eventually, a group filled up the seats on my left. A woman, probably about my age sat down next to me and immediately struck up a conversation…no sorry, that one wasn’t true. Truthfully, she sat with her back to me. Yes! And she remained so through most of the service. Just a little while after she sat down, a man sat to my right. He never looked at me once. Well, he did glance at my legs when passing me the communion plate, but other than that I didn’t get an interested look at all. Of course, my legs do look good, but I think my face is not so bad either. Ok, maybe stretching it there, but at least I have all my hair… shouldn’t that get a look?
Yes, I understand most people are not like me, ready to talk to anyone. But not even looking or saying hello? I was not dressed like a biker and I did take a shower…
I do also realize that God has made me a bit odd to those around me. Whether you believe it or not, it is true. It is like I have some aura of odd. Generally, I don’t even have to say anything and people will get weirded out by me, and still say I talk too much (and write too much). Seriously, I find that really, really strange. I have gone weeks in churches and said pretty much nothing and still people will say I talk too much. Those who have known me for years know how hard that is for me to do. I have done this several times, just to see it. I guess I had a hard time believing it myself.
So why didn’t I say hello or strike up a conversation? Frankly, because I am getting old and really tired of spending years at a church, yes years, only to realize that they don’t like me much and do not believe I can offer anything either in social context or ministry. I want to do something. I need to do something. I have not been rude or overly opinionated. Yes, I have opinions. Who wouldn’t after years of study and active Christian service? However, I have never insulted anyone for an opposing view, even though I have been insulted. Really, I haven’t.
No, I am just not going to wait that long and waste that much time any more. I have resolved to search for a church and if none fit, then I will start one here with just Martha. If that is all we ever do from here on out, then I am OK with that.
No, that is not the ideal, but I can tell you, spending years in a church that thinks I talk to much, seem too odd, or don’t want me to do anything is rather discouraging. I will not give these churches the same amount of time any more.
It is rather funny because many years ago, before the second church plant collapsed, the first church I would check out was always the church we fit in. In every one of those churches, we made lifelong friends. Friends, who still are, and would pick up conversations as if we never parted, friends who joked about my ability to chat on and on, but never walked away in the middle of a conversation or ever gave the slightest sign of any irritation, friends who I served God beside in ministry. These were churches where most of the time I was leading something within 3 to 6 months… a year at the longest.
I know these few people that I sat near may have been the only shy two in the whole church. Ha! Yea, the odds are a bit high for that. What concerns me the most, is that if this was the reception I got when I didn’t open my mouth, what kind of reaction would I get if I did let go a bit and expose my chatty side? Pitch forks and torches maybe?
Why write about this? Well, I write now as a form of therapy. I was really saddened by this event. I know the churches have changed, but they really shouldn’t have. Where is the real Church? Believers who love God and Love others? Where is the community that knows each other and is not afraid to accept different people? It has become terribly plastic. It is now wrong to share our stories about God, experiences and such, things that just might conflict with others thoughts or beliefs. We must not challenge the status quo. We must not disagree. We must have unity at all costs. Unity? Without truly knowing someone how can you say you “accept” them and really have unity?
You can’t.
Yes, I over share. It took God years (and He created the universe in 6 days) to get me to accept myself. I will not waste any more time in a church only to find out that I will not be accepted. I will not live on the fringe anymore.
I will keep searching. It is what God wants. I will not blow off church. But I may, just may, start my own…again. We shall see.