Do You Trust Me?

I started out my walk with God back in 1982. Sadly, I didn’t walk it very well until I had an "encounter" two years later. In that encounter, God himself gave me a promise. He said He would do whatever it takes to make me the best HE can make me, not the best I could make me. I even watched Him write it down. I was 20 years old then; now at 56 I am still waiting to become something more than a failed experiment.

Failed experiment? Well, in the world’s eyes (and for many in the church), yes.

After the encounter, I left college my senior year to join a street ministry in Houston for teenage prostitutes. The pastor ended up going off the rails, so I left after two years.

Following that, I became a youth pastor in New Hampshire, but was never called a youth pastor, because the senior pastor didn't like me much. I never knew why, but if it was something I said or did, he never told me. After many meetings where I was given disapproval, without any reason or direction to improve, I was painfully and publicly removed from my role.

Within a few years at another church, I served where I could. I led home groups, taught Sunday school and eventually was selected by my leadership to plant a Church in Manchester NH. Two years into that effort, I had a coup from a man I counted on as a leader for the fledgling church effort. When my leadership found out, they shut down the whole thing. I was again broken and disappointed.

Running in life can be hard, especially if God has called you and you are waiting for whatever He has called you for to manifest.

After the Manchester church plant failed, I got a job promotion that required a move to Arizona. Within just a year and a half, I was again asked by my leadership to plant a new church in Cave Creek, AZ. With a team of 10 to start, only 4 remained after a few weeks. By two years with zero growth, I finally lost the remaining 4, so again the church plant was shut down by my leadership.

During that year I also began having job problems due to mergers, acquisitions, economy and poor company management. I ended up being laid off 15 times in a 20 year period. I did my job, and did it well, but obviously that doesn't always matter.

Through this period and even up until now, my career has gone steadily downhill; ministry became non-existent and relationships with church members very superficial. Yes, it has been hard. I currently make less than 12 dollars an hour. I am in my mid 50's and on the horizon I see no sign of improvement for career or ministry work. There is a temptation every morning, night, and during slow days, to be really mad at God wondering what the heck happened.

Why do I say all this? I have come to realize that God's "call" on someone is not what most teachers say...

Over and over, when I sit with my Father and remember His promise, I think "Is this your best?

I have failed consistently throughout my life" I didn't miss anything or disobey in any area. Additionally, God is not an idiot, nor a bad Father, so if I was too daft to hear Him or understand Him, HE is more than capable of getting my attention. And no, it was not because of my complaints, questions or concerns either. If you believe those things, you really need to get to know your bible, and if you tell your brothers and sisters such things while they are struggling, you are a jerk.

You see, God absolutely did promise me that HE would make me His best, and God does absolutely fulfill His promises. This was no general promise. It was directly spoken to me. Yet as I look at my life. The only conclusion is that this "failed" life is EXACTLY part of His best for me. I don't really know if my “calling” will ever become some fantastic thing as I had once hoped. Sure, He could do it, but after many, many days of waiting for "it" to happen, I just don't have that same optimism anymore.

Through these questions and the Holy Spirit’s wisdom, I came to realize that all of this is for the one thing that God is looking for in everyone...faith. Faith grows best by a challenge to trust the one you have faith in. Without struggling through the questions and concerns, what kind of faith is there really? For faith in God, is only tested when you have to use it to remain standing. Like the steel of a sword, the test is to make us stronger, not to prove its worth. The only way to fail the test is to give up or shift that faith to something or someone else. This shift in faith happens much more often than you might think and truthfully it is exactly the same as worshiping an idol.

If you think about it, it is rather amazing that mankind ever started worshiping idols in the first place. I mean, when they started doing this idiotic thing, they KNEW there was God. So, why on earth would anyone who knew Adam, knew of him, knew Cain and his story, or knew Noah and his story ever, EVER, bow to a stone or wooden idol that they made themselves? Simple… because they made it themselves.

Like children who get a “no” from their father only to ask the mother hoping they can get a “yes”. Mankind doesn't like trusting God, or waiting on God, so when He doesn't give them what they want, when they want, they often try to go someplace else. This is the opposite of faith and why it really, really ticks God off.

In our “enlightened” generation however, we no longer make images of stone or bow down to the moon and stars, but we do something much worse...we make God into our own image. I believe this is one of the biggest tests. The one that I have seen way to many people fail, especially when they have been shoved into a faith growth plan similar to mine.

Waiting is hard, especially when nothing seems to work. So, after all the questions “why?” and getting crickets, it becomes easier to change God into something more malleable, a god that will allow us to get what we want. This is where the "God would want me to have it, because God wants me to be happy" occurs. Of course, this "happy" God that is so willing to please us doesn't exist, especially in regards to the bending of His rules.

"I can cheat on my wife, God is forgiving"

Yes, He is forgiving, but He is also not stupid.

"God wants me to have this job, so a little lie on my resume is not too bad."

God hates lies...even little ones.

Look, God is gracious, God is forgiving, but God also has a limit to what He will tolerate. Remember He has said adulterers, liars, thieves, etc… will not enter the kingdom of God. He was not kidding. Yes, He will forgive, but if you are plotting to break the rules because you no longer want to live with His test, you are on the dangerous ground of altering the image of God to be something more palatable to you. Not surprisingly, when I see people doing this, their lives all of a sudden get easier. This is not a good thing.

Trust God in the test. Don't give up and don’t break His rules. He is in control and He is good. He is working on the most important thing you have for Him, your faith. If He completes His work in you, you will have lived the best possible life that HE can make, not the best you can make.

He told me once when I was at a low point and asking why: “When this is over, you will be really pleased”

This is true for all of His children who remain in His love.

Galatians 6:9

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.

James 1:12

Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him.