Interactions with God #105

My church experiences haven’t been all bad. I did have problems with the crazy pastors in Houston, but well, they were crazy, so that is understandable. The church I attended in Nashua, NH, had some great people. We made some great friends there. My only problem seemed to be from the pastor of that church. He was never friendly to me and was always critical. It seemed as if my very presence caused him irritation. The Vineyard Church in Chelmsford was great. I don’t think we had any problems with anyone there, until the church plant. In the Vineyard Church of North Phoenix, we didn’t have any trouble either, until we left and came back. Even then, no one was mean or rude, just distant. At the Anthem church, we got both. Most were distant, others were downright rude.

I get it, Job’s friends were convinced that Job had done something wrong. Why else would God be treating him so badly? Well, in the book of Job, God Himself explains that the assumptions of Job’s friends were wrong. So much so, that He was seriously angry with them.  Why is it then, that even with this information at our disposal, church people STILL assume bad things only happen to sinful people? Yes, God may be mad at someone, but do you really want to treat them badly and risk being a “friend” of Job? I know I don’t.

At the Anthem Vineyard, my family came in hurting. We had hoped to be embraced so we could heal. That didn’t happen. We didn’t meet with the same criticism that we did in Scottsdale, but we did get the cold shoulder. Well, that and a few who just seem to hate us…or rather…me.

How do I know? Well, the angry stares were a clue. Walking away when I approached a group. Half of the group getting up when I sat down. Yes, these things happened consistently. There were some Sundays that I could almost feel the angry eyes burning into my back during worship. I was completely at a loss for what to do about any of it. I was really starting to think that God hated me again. But instead, I clung to what He had already said in the past. This, like all the other problems was just part of my training. I hate training…I really do.

At Crossvale, my new job looked great… at first. I had little doubt that I could do well in that role, except for a problem with my boss. Jason was a smart guy, a really smart guy. Clearly, he was a geek growing up and now, coming into his success, he had become rather arrogant. Of course, being a sales guy, I was an idiot to him. He would pick apart everything I did. No, I am not kidding. Once while eating a breakfast meal, before visiting a customer, he even criticized the way I ate and then how I dressed. What could I do or say to that? I just turned the other cheek and let him continue. This went on for months. I began to hate the thought of having to interact with him. 

By March of 2005, the tension with Jason had grown. Clearly, he was of the opinion that I was not good enough for their company. Though I had gotten along well with the other partners, I think his influence had begun to affect how they viewed me. I became convinced that my time at Crossvale was going to end soon and was there was absolutely nothing I could do about it.

On a Saturday morning that March, while getting dressed for the day, God spoke to me. “You have a problem with who you are.” I replied, “No I don’t!” He said, “Yes, you do.” Frustrated, I said, rather loudly, “I don’t have a problem with who I am! Everyone else has a problem with who I am! In fact, Jason has such a problem with who I am that I am going to lose my job soon!”  There was a short pause, then He said, “Could he let you go if I didn’t allow it?” Another pause…”Ok, I have a problem with who I am…”

It took me a second to get what He was saying. We struggle so much with acceptance from others…why? Unfortunately, too much of the “why” is because we get our value from others. We don’t see our value in what and who we really are. We are God’s work, not our own work and not the work of others. If we truly give ourselves to God, we become His. Our value and worth is now at a place that is far above all earthly things. We are no longer of this world. Of course we won’t fit into it anymore. In fact, the more we don’t fit…the better we really are.

Ok, I am not there yet…I STILL have a problem with who I am.  “Yes Lord, I know, I know… I am a bit slow.”