Interactions with God #119
I am not a victim. I am not happy, but I know there is a reason for it all.
Why would I be happy? God put my career in the toilet. He put my family in turmoil and put a huge halt to any ministry I could or would do.
When you wake up in the morning and have no hope that today will be good, and you do not see any change coming for tomorrow or the day after that, you must turn to God for a reason to breathe or you will just stop. This is the wilderness. This is where you are alone with God and He either becomes all you are or you turn to the dark side.
In November of 2011, I was again unemployed. This loss just compounded the ongoing problem with finding a good job. I didn’t have a college degree, because God told me to quit school my senior year. I now had 7 layoffs with gaps as big as two years. Several of the jobs I held for only 6 months to a year. This looks like a big problem on a resume. I couldn’t lie or falsify my resume, for that would displease God greatly. I had to trust Him. There was no other option.
I did have a promise. How many people can say that? I had taught several times years before about David and his promise. He was the only one in all of Israel who KNEW he could face Goliath and not die. How? Well, Samuel the prophet, a man who was clearly proven to be God’s man, told young David that he would become king of Israel. David knew, even as a boy, that Goliath could not kill him. Yet, not to diminish David’s bravery and boldness, he didn’t know if God would make him the seriously wounded or broken king of Israel… As we all know, David took the head of the giant, all to glorify a God who can use the lowest and smallest to defeat the biggest and the baddest the enemy has to offer. Faith does that. Faith in a promise.
So, to have faith… What reason did I have to believe God would do anything with me? Maybe, I am just a loser. Yes, this was part of my daily struggle. Consistent job problems, no local friends or status in the church, my family struggling to cope, and everyone getting real tired of hearing me say “God has a plan”…even me. Why should I believe it after years of this? This was the roundabout struggle. Round and round, round and round… No, it wasn’t and isn’t much fun. I had to have faith in His promise.
What was His promise? “I will take your life and use you.” Then after I asked Him to not just use me, but do whatever it took to make me the best I can be for Him. Then, I watched Him write it down. Vague? Maybe, but on my birthday in 2002 He sent a prophet to remind me, in the midst of my greatest day of doubt, of that very promise. This was confirmation from outside of myself. Yes, I had a solid and very real promise that God would use me in the best possible way for Him…not for me.
Yet, here I was coming up on my 49th birthday and I was a loser. Yes, I was. But, the battle should be easily won! Like David, I had a very real promise. So what is the problem? Ah, it is amazing how we can twist these things around. “Did God really say that He would make your life great?” “Maybe the “best” you can be, is to be like Job all of your life and just survive.” Ouch, not something you would ask God for as your life’s purpose! Yes, this was a huge part of my struggle, that year and it has been for the years following, up until just a few weeks ago as I write this down on November 11th, 2015.
So, on my 49th birthday, I was struggling with finding hope, even with a promise from God. I was beginning to think that my retirement would be “Hello, welcome to Walmart”. I had prayed to Jesus all week for some sign that my calling was not to be Job until I die. I wanted Him to defend me from all the unwarranted hatred from employers and church people alike. I wanted to me more, in His Church, than just a bystander. I wanted to be recognized for, at the very least, my love for Him. I wanted Him to be God to me now, not just the light at the end of the tunnel.
All day, on that very birthday, I hoped that God would give me a birthday present like he had done a few times in the past. I hoped He would change everything, but I would have been happy with just a simple word. Yet nothing came. Rather discouraged, I went to bed.
Martha and I have a routine each night. Before we turn the light out, we read. I read the scriptures for at least 5 minutes per my vow from back in the 90’s and she reads whatever novel she is currently in. I was about to turn off the light when I decided to check Face book again… always searching for something from God.
God can speak through anybody. In fact, I have found most often He will speak through unlikely sources, from children to long past friends. He does this much more often than through some Dr. of theology that we have never met. God spoke. On my birthday! This was probably the third time He has done that. This time, the source was a woman who had been part of my very first home group, while I was an elder at the Vineyard Church in Chelmsford, MA, in the year 1993. The form was a post to my Facebook page at 10:07pm. She, of course, knew absolutely nothing of my current struggle.
God did.
November 20, 2011 · Sunday, November 20, 2011 at 10:07pm
Happy Birthday Lou! Your wilderness training will be ending soon. You may feel like you have been pressed on every side, and you have been, but you were not crushed! Your training and refining was for His purposes, without destroying God’s calling on your life. Indeed, God is about to roar on your behalf! Your prime ministry years are just ahead of you… starting in your 50's. All that has happened will be used for His glory! I always loved your teaching, because you passionately love Jesus and believe His Word! And it shows! God will resurrect your dreams! Remember we learn more from our failures than our successes to make us into a humble servant with integrity whom God can trust. You have an anointing from the Holy One, and don't ever doubt it! You will walk out and fulfill the desires of your heart, including all the promises God has spoken to you. Signs, wonders, miracles! The mtime is near. Focus, prepare, worship and praise Him! Blessings, my friend! Keep the faith!
I just love Jesus Christ! Here, again, He ever so kindly, in the midst of a painful time that He alone is walking me through, He says to me: “Happy Birthday my child!” “Hang on! It will all be for a great purpose.”
It is now 9 days until my 53 birthday. I am still in the midst of the wilderness, though much has changed. I have not come into my calling yet, but believe that it should be really soon. I do not struggle so much anymore with whether or not I have a calling, but now it is how much longer until I get there. Day to day is still a struggle and now the pressure is even greater than it was in 2011, but I am 3 years closer to the day when He will change it all. Yes, I am closer.
9 days until my birthday…perhaps He has another birthday present in store…I hope so.
Sometimes, hope is all we need.