Interactions with God #118

I started off 2011 still working as a contractor for Informatica. Though, because they were not very organized, they just paid me ahead of time for the sales I was supposed to make. My sales were also much better since I was now known by many customers and sales teams. Finally, I did go full time by mid-April. This happened while I was in the hospital for a four day stay. 

Hospital! What happened? Well, in March I had back surgery. I’d had a back issue since 1999, but it had gotten much worse over the years. My disc, between L5 and my hip bone, was gone. The L5 vertebra was now halfway off the hip bone. No, I was not about to break in half (and yes I did ask). The neurosurgeon said the tendons and muscles would prevent that, but he did say that if it moved any further, it could very well sever the spinal nerves and make me paralyzed… Yea, surgery was necessary at this point.  

The surgery lasted only a couple of hours. I was in by noon on Monday and out by noon on Tuesday. It was really amazing when you realize what they did and that I was up and walking the next day. So, what was the four day stay for? Well, in the surgery, a vascular surgeon opened me up from the front, so the neurosurgeon could place a container between the hip and the vertebra. They filled that container with a protein fluid that would grow bone and fuse the joints. Finally, they flipped me over to bolt it all together from the back. The surgery went well, except for an oops by the vascular surgeon. 

This oops didn’t become apparent until two weeks later when a quick visit to the ER (because of a great deal of pain) revealed a mass in my midsection that they suspected was a hematoma, or big blood blister. The operation to repair this took over four hours and they kept me in the hospital for four days, to make sure I didn’t die. I was heavily sedated and it was still the most pain I had ever experienced. 

Four days, and no one from our church came to visit. Martha slept on a crappy chair each night. I told her to go home, but she refused. She was rather worried. I did get a few phone calls, from my mom and Martha’s mom. On both Morphine and Demerol, I don’t think my conversations made much sense. I don’t remember them either way.

We never did hear from the vascular surgeon again and our insurance company never got a bill for the operation or the four day hospital stay. I suppose we could have pursued it, but we figured it would be better to trust God and turn the other cheek. I just hope I am not missing half of my spleen or something…

As I said earlier, during this hospital stay, I got my offer letter from Informatica. It was clearly given reluctantly by my boss. I don’t think he liked that I was brought in by his new boss. Either way, he never was very friendly to me and did what he could to make sure I would not succeed in the role. Fun, fun fun.

At our church, we still were not feeling very welcomed. There was only one couple that would invite us over. People would talk to us, but with that “looking for some reason to move on” glance. Martha became seriously irritated with the constant “invites” for coffee. She began to think it was a Texas thing. I told her it was just a pathetic person thing. Church people would say to you “we should do coffee!” with a big smile and happy face. However, when you replied, “Sure! Do you have time this Saturday?” That was when the excuses came. They would simply not commit to a date, so you would eventually come to realize that they really didn’t want to meet with you in the first place. Truth is they lied to us in order to sound nice. But they weren’t. Sadly, this goes on a lot in churches today. “I love you!” Yet they don’t know you or try to. “We should get together!” Yet they clearly don’t want to. These are lies pure and simple. God hates lies…so do I.

This all happened even though we did what we could to “press in” to leadership. I volunteered for anything I had time for, helped where I could and took all the leadership classes, even though I had been through similar classes at least half a dozen times. Still we did not get invited to the “in crowd” events or were ever asked to lead anything. It was getting rather discouraging. At this point, it had been years since we had felt a part of any church ministry effort. We were just attendees who apparently were supposed to stay in that place. For a married couple who had been leaders since 1990, this was not easy…no, not at all. 

It still isn’t. 

So am I complaining? Partly, I think it offers some healing to write all this down. Truthfully, my hope is that others whom God is putting through wilderness training will see the similarities and find hope. Hope? Hope, because someday, God will bring Martha and I out of our wilderness training and give us something to do. I believe, considering the time we have had to endure, it will be something really, really cool. I also hope that maybe, some, who are problems to those in wilderness training, will realize that not everyone going through the wilderness is doing so because they are lazy or did something wrong. I still get ignorant comments from those who think I am on the bench because I choose to be. Authority cannot be taken, it must be given. If leaders don’t trust you to lead, you sit on the bench. That is where we are. Of course, if God wanted Martha and I to lead again, he would change the hearts of those who he has placed over us. Until then, we do what we can where we can…regardless of any acknowledgement.

Hope. It has kept me going through all of this. Yet, that hope has always been based on past visions, prophetic words, dreams and bizarre coincidences. When you are facing the battle with doubt and discouragement it comes down to trusting God’s control over your life. This happens naturally when you know, without a doubt, that you have absolutely NO control over these events. 

As I have said before, this is a huge hurdle for most Christians. Like Job’s comforters, they don’t want to face the bigger picture of God. It is so much easier to believe that pain comes because of the devil, sin or bad decisions. Yet the bible clearly says that success comes from God. Not from human decision or will. Success comes from God…  So does disaster. Yes, that is what it says.

For those in the wilderness, realizing that God is in control does offer some assurance. The scary part is when you finally understand that all the bad things are happening because He wants them to. 

In November of 2011, my manager finally got what he wanted. He laid me off from Informatica. Just before my birthday. A week or so later, I was sitting in my home office pondering the truth of God’s control, looking for that assurance. I knew that He could have changed the heart of my manager. He could have prevented him from getting rid of me. He could have done a bazillion things to make it all work. He didn’t. Since I knew He was in control, I knew that He wanted me to feel this rejection and loneliness…again. So, in my pondering, I began that hard conversation with Him.

I discussed the recent and past unfortunate events. I acknowledged His control and purpose. I confessed my doubt and fears and stated my effort to trust Him no matter what. In that discussion, I further considered His control and how it included the thoughts and actions of my boss and the church people. I understood that it also included my own thoughts and actions. This is where it got interesting and I came face to face with the ultimate question when you head down the path to know God better…”Hey, if you are in control, even of my thoughts, when I talk to you, who is talking to who??” (Car screeching to a stop sound here)

His reply: “Well, it is a bit more complicated than that, but it will suffice for you to understand at this time.” 

You know, I like that God is in control. Since I KNOW that I am His according to His word. I am extremely confident that when He says He will finish the work He started…He will. But hearing this response put this understanding on a whole new level. On the surface it seems that He wanted me to believe that even my thoughts are His. No, there was definitely more here. What He was teaching me was that, for now, knowing His control will benefit me in this time of struggle, but to also know that we, as His children, are so much more. 

Our relationship with God is way more complicated than simple choice or not. Yes, we have choice, here in this time and space. From God the Father’s perspective, there is no choice. Though there is security in that thought, there is clearly more to it than what we can understand. We are more. We WILL be MUCH more when His work in us is done. Something beyond mortal man, something beyond angels! We will not be gods, but we will be something far greater than we can know in this time and space. We are the sole reason that this time and space even exist! 

We are the ultimate purpose for all that He is doing. That is something certain to hope for…to wait on.

So, I will continue to wait and trust in His plan, because He is in control.