Interactions with God #21
It was a month or so after we all met Ray from the House of Israel Church in Houston. I had been back in school at The University of Texas for a couple of months. It was February of 1985. I woke up in the morning, just like any other day, but a thought ran through my mind. “I want you to leave everything and move to Houston.” OK, not the kind of thing you expect to think about in the morning, when you start prying your eyes open.
I had just gotten back into school. I had managed, by the miraculous grace of God to do so as an instate resident. Move to Houston?! Had to be just a crazy thought. So I blew it off and headed out to class.
The thought came back. Not just once, but regularly. In fact, every morning and several times throughout the day, that same thought kept running through my head. “I want you to leave school and move to Houston”. Yea, I prayed about it. I did want to do God's will, but what if this wasn't God? I told my Austin pals. Carey, was pensive and said he would pray about it, suggesting I continue to pray about it. Doug, was opposed to the idea...couldn't be God. He strongly suggested I get counsel, which was a wise idea. I did. I went to the leadership of the several campus bible studies I was attending. I asked quite a few people. Most of them, after telling them how often the word came and how persistent it was, agreed that it very well might be God speaking to me.
Now, it is easy to believe God is talking to you when he says “I love you” or “Don't be afraid, I got this”. But when he tells you to uproot your life, bringing concern, judgment and ridicule from friends and family, it is a bit harder to confirm that it is indeed God. It is a good thing to be cautious, but you definitely don't want to be rebellious. It took 30 days. 30 days of “I want you to quit school and move to Houston”.
No, I wasn't like Abraham here. I wasn't like Peter or John. I wasn't like Paul. I was like Lou. I balked. I was afraid. Wouldn't you be? Leave all I know and join up with Ray and his really weird church thing in a nasty area of Houston? No, I did want to please God, but was this REALLY what he wanted of me?
As the pressure to leave school continued, and resistance from Doug and a few others intensified. I began to spend a lot more time considering where I wanted to go. I remember sitting in a Marketing class, listening to the professor talk about the role. I realized that I didn't want that. I could just see it. Lou, business man, marketer, normal guy. I wanted to be more like Paul the apostle. I really did...and still do. I went home to my apartment. I lied on the bed and looked up at the ceiling and talked to God. “OK”, I said. “I will do it... But what about my parents?”
It seemed like a nice enough thing to say. Something considerate, something of concern for the fears of others. That was not how it was received. In fact, this is the first time I pissed God off. Yes, I said that...he was pissed.
Not so hard to describe the feeling. Because suddenly, this wave of anger moved up to my face as I lied there talking to God through the ceiling. It felt much the same as the feeling I would get when my dad would quickly move up to my face with that angry look that said, “You are about to get a serious smack!”
Oh, but God is love! True, but do not forget that God has a temper. He did after all open the ground and swallow a rebellious man and his entire family. Its in there, read the book of Exodus. The thing is, what is it that makes him mad? Why was he mad now at me? That is really simple. I didn't trust him. I didn't trust him and openly did so, right to his face. It really didn't occur to me that I was insulting God, but I was. His response...”DONT YOU THINK I WILL TAKE CARE OF THEM?”
What can you say to that. The King of the Universe, the most powerful being EVER. Quickly and humbly, I apologized and said “yes, I do”.
I withdrew from UT the next morning. I was in Houston within the week.
One would think that this blatant calling would have been amazing. It wasn't. One would think that my sacrifice would pay huge dividends. It didn't. Well, not in the way most think. I did grow, I did learn, but it was one of the hardest experiences of my life. I got deceived. No, not in that God wanted me to go, but deceived by a crazy man and his crazy ideas. I was sent into that deception. “OK, now you go to far Lou!” Need precedent? Look at Joseph. Didn't God send him to slavery to save Israel? He did. Ouch, don't like that. “Wasn't it because of his brothers being evil?” Yes, but if you read the whole story, even Joseph acknowledges that it was God doing it all. Yes, it is hard to swallow. Especially for those who want to cling to an extremely simplistic view of the Universe's Supreme Being.
God does want our best, but that best may be prison time for a crime you didn't commit. It may be sickness and pain (Sorry the word faith stuff is an unbilical lie, based on us being in control, not God). It may be discouragement and disappointment. Why would God do this!!? Because, his greatest work in us IS our faith and trust in Him. I learned things that will never be taught in a bible college. I watch God reshape the fire in my heart into a weapon of love and determination. I watched God totally beat out of me any desire to trust a man. I watched him let me believe the stupid lie only to open my eyes two years later and see how I got there.
My calling wasn't to be a minister to teenage prostitutes in Houston. My calling was to minister God's truth to the entire world. That is where I am going. That is what he is going to do. It will happen when he does it and how he does it. It may be only in words I have written, after I am dead like my favorite apostle. It may be sometime in my life. I hope for that, but either way. I will do what he wants...not balking any more.