Mirror, Mirror

I had the most bizarre job interview that I have ever had yesterday. It was the second interview for a job that I think I would have liked, but the pay was way to low. Am I too picky, expecting to much? Well, I used to make six figures prior to the last few years of trial and testing. I am 53 now and they wanted to pay me 8 dollars an hour. Yea, it was a wee bit low. Of course, I would have happily taken 12…

That wasn’t the bizarre part though. I met with the sales manager and her boss, the owner of the company. They were both Christians. No, this shouldn’t make much of a difference in an interview process, but it did present an opportunity that I have not had before…to really explain the true reason for the huge and many gaps in my employment history.  My mistake, was not broaching the taboo subject of religion. After all, they opened the door first. No, my mistake was in expecting them to act like Christians when I shared parts of my story.

Why would that be a problem? Here is the rub. Somewhere along the way God did something odd with me. I have written about it before in one of my Interactions with God posts. It is something He told me on my birthday in 2008. I had just gotten laid off from HP because my new manager hated me. Yes, hated me. How did I know? Well, aside from the obvious distain and attitude (which wasn’t warranted) he would tell one of my co-workers, who in turn felt the need to let me know. Oh, yea, fun, fun, fun.  At that same time, yet another pastor of mine also hated me. No friend told me, frankly in this case, the pastor himself did.

So, after years of people being rude, dismissive or outright hating me, I asked God about it. Not that I hadn’t before, but as anyone, who has walked with God more than a year will know, God answers prayers in HIS time…not ours. So, on my birthday, He told me why.  He said He had marked me. No, not like Cain, but well, I guess in a way it is similar. He said He marked me in a way that those who hate Him will hate me and those who are His, but yet insecure, will become uncomfortable in my presence. Yes, of course I asked Him what the purpose for this was. He didn’t answer that one. But in looking back over my years of walking with Him, it made perfect sense. Even so, it was still hard to believe that this was true. Yesterday was a perfect example and gave me an opportunity that I have not yet had before, the ability to actually ask the “affected” parties what they were feeling, perceiving and why.

As Martha can tell you, each time one of these “events” happens, I end up very disturbed. Who wouldn’t? People completely misread what you say and why. They turn on you and accuse you of something completely outside of any thought of your heart. Up until this event yesterday, I would just get the looks and attitude. One this day, I finally heard from the lips of those affected what was behind the looks and attitude and I can now finally see why.  I was up sitting in the dark hashing it out with God until 3am.

So, here is how this event when down: In the interview, the owner of the company came in. The sales manager and I were already in a conversation about God, so the whole religion thing was wide open. He immediately took on the dominate predator role in the interview process and poked at the gaps in my resume and said that it looks like I have a problem jumping job to job or that I get fired a lot. I began to explain each layoff and why. I am pretty good at it now, since I have done it so many times. Each one has a reasonable and valid explanation, but as usual, I can only get through three before they interrupt me. When he did, he went full on religious discussion in the interview and said “Why would God do this?”

Look, I know why. Why God would make one of His servant’s lives difficult and appearing like there is something wrong with them. So, I told Him. “It has all been for growth.” Clearly, he wasn’t convinced. I was expecting this. I have had pastors, who offer the same skeptical look when I go down this road. Usually, it is only after I start to go into detail about my interactions with God. This time, I had only offered two of them, the vision of Jesus Christ in 1984 and the prophet, Mark Cowpersmith on my birthday in 2002. I know visions and prophets are hard to believe for Christians, who have never experienced things like this. But wouldn’t you think that if they met someone who tells a similar bible like story, that they would what to know more? At the very least to find out if it is true? I know I would! I have! This is why I find this stuff so confusing.

As I said, not surprisingly to me, he immediately took a defensive posture and then began to attack. When you are half hoping someone to say “Wow, God is amazing!”, to get “Why do you talk about yourself? You should be presenting God, not yourself.” It throws you off a bit, even when this has been the norm for years. I know, I should have responded with, “Well, because you asked.” It was an interview after all. The purpose to my being there was for them to get to know me! Yeah, this is how I spent most of the night afterward. Hashing through, over and over, what I should have said. All the while, God is speaking to my heart “let it go, pearls and the swine and all…” Unfortunately, I really do have a hard time letting these things go.

I want to be liked! Is that wrong? Isn’t that what most people want? To be liked? And it wouldn’t hurt to have a wee bit of respect too. Honor and all those other things are nice, but I am by no means figuring I will ever get that at this point, but enough respect to be treated kindly by my Christian brothers and sisters would be really well received. No, I don’t think I was hoping for too much in that interview.

At this time, I took a different turn. I did something I have never had the opportunity to do before. I asked them why they thought I was talking about me.

When a person tells their testimony about how Jesus came into their lives, it is simply a story about their personal experience with God. What is amazing is how on earth, when I do this, yes me, the story is not about God, but me! Yes, it was what I saw and what God did, and how I responded. Of course, I spoke of myself in the story! I WAS in the story. The story was clearly promoting what God did, NOT my response! So, how, how, how did they hear self promotion in what I said? I considered immediately and even said so, that I must not be communicating the story very well. After hours in the dark with God, I realized that my communication wasn’t the problem. It was their hearts.

Look, I know I am not impressive. I don’t walk with an air of importance. I have no degree. I don’t even have a job. I have been ADHD long before it was cool. I bounce around in life and conversation like a distracted child. So how and why would God pick someone like me to communicate stories of God intervening so abruptly in this life? “Why would God pick this guy?” “Wouldn’t God, in His infinite wisdom, instead pick someone like me?” This is exactly what the problem was…and it has been so for years. They simply took offense at me!

Ok, I know this “mark” thing is weird, but after examining each one of these “events” until 2 or 3 in the morning (again, Martha can confirm). I am convinced that it is true. I am not impressive, but neither were several fishermen 2000 years ago. The book of Acts even addresses that. No, I can’t do much as far as miracles, so far. But, the stories of interaction should at least show people how awesome God can be to someone as unimportant as me. I figure that they should say something like this instead…”Wow, if God would do that with this guy, surely He would talk to me that way too!!” Sadly, this has not yet been the case. I tell you the truth…this has ALWAYS been my hope and the reason for telling these stories.

I was disturbed at their complete misreading of my heart. I even said so. I then even asked where and how they perceived in my words that I was so badly presenting God in my telling. They had no answer. They tried, but only could end up by saying “Look, you can’t see it, we can, but you need to mull on it and maybe God will show you.” Seriously! They said this!

Disturbed I was! Because, just maybe, I was not seeing something. Maybe I did have in my heart a need to promote myself. After all, I have been a nobody for many years now. No ministry, no solid church relationships, no tales of God winning people… ouch. What if they were right? This is why sitting in the dark with God is essential to everyone. When satan accuses (that is what he does after all), we need to go to God for the truth.

It took a while, I am stubborn and I didn’t want to find myself applying salve to my own wounds with false encouragement. But God is more persistent than I. He hammered back against every argument where I began to agree with these people. At the end of it, I sat in awe of His love for me.

No, I am not perfect in my communication, but the message I shared was clear enough. The problem was in their taking offense at lil’ol me for daring to talk like I knew God better than they. No, that was not the way I presented it by any means…it was just the way they chose to “receive” it.

If you can’t hear God from a little child, like a little child, you will NEVER hear God…period.

That word is directly from God, through me, to you…if you choose to receive it.