Proving Ground
I think my biggest struggle of late is this constant feeling that I need to prove myself. This struggle, in itself, is humiliating.
Though, several times, I have risen up through the ranks in ministry becoming a youth pastor, home group leader and twice a church planter, I have been unable to do much of anything since 2003. What is the problem? God. Well, yes, because God is in control. He could make my efforts work if he wanted to. Clearly, he doesn't or it would happen. Who could stop him after all? Yet, though I know God is ultimately responsible for my predicament, I still struggle with the power men seem to have over my “position” in life.
This struggle is accentuated by my current job situation. I have now been laid off for 10 months...and this is the eighth lay off of my career. Sitting home, spending hours sending resumes and realizing I will be blessed if I get one call back, does get to you, when it is day after day...day after day...etc.
Its not like I have a terminal disease though. You see if I had a terminal disease, I would get some sympathy from “church” people. Very few even ask how the job situation is anymore. I am not saying that I would want to trade struggles, no definitely not. But I think, after going through this so many times, it has got to be one of the loneliest situations God can put anyone through. But then, this job situation only adds to the weight of my proving ground struggle.
When I obeyed God's voice and quit school at the University of Texas in 1985, I didn't just leave school, I left any plans at a normal life. I really didn't expect to get married and have kids. I really thought I would end up in a foreign country and even die for my faith, if required. It is funny how you look back at see where you thought you would be compared to where you are. I really would not have believed that God would give me a secular career and one so unstable. I seriously did not believe that he would bench me in ministry at all, let alone for 11 years...and counting.
Did I do something wrong? No. Yea, I have heard that question, a lot. Job's friends. There are many, many out there like that. This I think is part of the problem, part of why I feel this overwhelming need to “prove” myself. Unfortunately, many of them have had the role of pastor over me.
Some of them have been brutally obvious. I have even been hated by a couple of them. Hated? Strong word, yes, but if I ran down the list of what they actually said and did, no one could disagree. I know what the scripture says, about hating your brother, and no, I don't think these men really love God. Harsh? Look, I didn't write the book, I just read it and live by it. However, their walk with God, other than my praying for them, is not my concern, mine is. So I fight to let God use their actions to make my faith in him grow, and it is a fight.
I could probably handle those few hateful men easier if it were not for the many who simply look at me with disdain, disapproval or suspicion of some sort. The surprising thing, is that I don't believe they know that they are being so obvious. They have no idea that I really see how they feel about me. So my shepherds, brothers and sisters in Christ, are the biggest part of the problem. This struggle with proving myself. Yet, it is not my job to prove to them that I love God, if they can't see it already.
Yet, I keep trying. Usually by talking to much, telling stories of how God has used me in the past. I guess, it probably looks like I am trying to prove myself, since I really am. I suppose this would make most people suspicious. I don't know, sometimes I just can't seem to help myself.
It is stupid really, I know how God sees me. I really do. I am not in any secret sin, nor have I done any sin to warrant the low position I currently reside in. No, I know for a fact that this is part of my training. I knew early on that I would go through it, I did ask him to do it after all. A point which he has reminded me of...quite a few times. I guess I just really didn't think it would last this long. Well, I haven't reached 40 years like Moses, but then, I am no Moses.
God even got on my case a few months ago. He said I needed to quit trying to make best friends out of everyone. He actually said that He was my best friend and that He would not tolerate any one in between us. OK, jealous God thing. I get that. So, I told him, well, then can you chat with me more? It stinks, sitting home alone all day. He does talk. However, most of the time I am not positive that it is actually him. Maybe I am just going crazy. You know...hearing voices and all. At least this voice tells me to do good things, sacrificial things, things that benefit others and generally not me. This voice also is very encouraging in the midst of feeling alone. I have come to believe that this place, a place of alone, is in fact a place to learn to hear his voice better. Quiet has a way of doing that...if I don't keep trying to fill the silence with noise.
I do believe that God has a purpose and plan for me. I have no doubt about that. It is just “when” that I have no clue about. “Just around the next bend.” That is my hope...and disappointment. I will wait on him. Not because I am noble, or have so great a faith. No, it is simply because I have no choice. He set that up. I could not in a million years have plotted out a course to get me to where I am...but HE could, and did. So it will happen, maybe tomorrow, maybe the next day, maybe when I am 80 years old. Boy, I hope not!
In the mean time, I will serve where I can. Tell what I know to whoever will listen. Write truth when I have the guts, and wait...wait for God to raise me up. It is not up to man after all, for who could stop Him? I will fight to put down this struggle. I do not need to prove myself. I am fully aware that I am not good enough, no argument there. But when God wants to act, he will, and no one will stop him. Not me, not anyone else. I am his and he is mine. He is God and He is in control.