Remember - Being Set Apart
On my 46th Birthday back in 2008, I had just gotten notice from HP that I was getting laid off. The layoff was an action from a new VP of Education to get rid of me. He came in to the organization as a subordinate of the new CEO for HP Software. They came from a company called Vignette. As it is with these things, a leader of that level has an entourage of loyal folks that they will bring with them into the new company. This was one of those situations. I really didn’t care why the new VP was there and hoped he would improve the processes and vision of our organization, HP Software Education. I liked the prior leader, but felt there were some things that could definitely be improved.
When this guy came in, he really talked a good game. I liked him. I truly did. Unfortunately, he didn’t like me. How did I know you ask? Well, one of my co-workers had been a friend of mine for years. He apparently told him. Funny thing too, this friend couldn’t stand this new VP, but he really liked my friend. Well, in the year following, the new VP worked hard to find a reason to fire me. This was rather frustrating for him as I did nothing wrong. Even though I knew his comments to my friend, I was unable to say anything to the VP without getting my friend into a world of trouble. This was also frustrating to me.
I really wish my friend would have stood up for me. I would have for him… but I digress. After almost a year of his irritation and his constant poking for errors, I sat down with the VP and straight up asked him “I get the feeling you are bothered about me, is there anything I can improve or work on?” He replied, “No, there is nothing wrong”. Then, not too long later, he would tell someone that he hated me and wanted to get rid of me. Which my friend would overhear and generously let me know. It was a rather awkward situation. I eventually sat down with this VP three times and asked him what was wrong. Each time he said there was nothing wrong. Even though, he could not find a reason to fire me, he could lay me off when HP finally did a corporate wide layoff late in 2008. He gleefully did.
Bizarrely, this situation was not new. In fact, in 2003 I had a manager for another company hate me in much the same way. That same friend also worked at the company and told me of his desire to get rid of me. I know some of you will think this “friend” may be the problem, Martha was of that opinion. I don’t believe so, however. Because of my Birthday present that year from God himself.
Birthday present from God? Yes, it wasn’t the first time. He doesn’t always do something interesting on my birthday, but he really has done it, several times. It does seem to add a special meaning when God himself gives you something on your birthday.
So here I was on my 46th birthday, laid off for the 6th time in the past 10 years wondering why people don’t like me. I know that sounds whiney, but it is really true. I have had Pastors, more than one, who just hated me. Strong word you say? Well, when they go out of their way to damage you or your reputation, does that not qualify? When they do mean things and whatever they can to prevent you from progressing in ministry, yes, I think that qualifies. I have had quite a few managers, co-workers and church goers also treat me the same. I tell you before God, I did nothing to any of them to warrant that kind of feeling from them. So, for years, I would analyze, even over analyze, how I talk to others, how act toward others and pretty much everything I do. I am not perfect, but no where could I see how anyone would dislike me so. This became a big question to God in my prayer time…until that birthday.
Sitting home, unemployed, messing around on my computer, I was considering the layoff and how the VP just hated me. As usual, I began to think back to how many times that has happened before, at work, in Church on recreational events, etc… While pondering these things, God’s presence enveloped me. I saw a vision of a group of people standing in a big circle. A huge hand came down and picked me out of the group and set me aside. He then said “I set you apart and put a mark on you. I marked you in such a way that those who hate me will hate you and those who are mine, but are insecure, will be uncomfortable by your presence.” Ok, yea I know, hard to believe. I still wonder about it, but over and over again, I get either hated or run into church people, even leaders, who actively look for a reason to get away from me. I tell you, it really is not very much fun.
It is now 2014, six years later, and I still struggle with this thing. There are those at my current church that will not even look at me or acknowledge me when I walk by, even if I say hello. You would think by now I would be used to it, but with the increasing length of this current lay off, it becomes harder to swallow. I have again started to self-examine myself to death. Do I talk too much? Do I say stupid things? Do I interrupt often? Do I smell? Is there something in my teeth? Yea, those kind of things. We all want to be liked, and yes, respected. When you are laid off, you already feel small. Adding to it the distaste people have when you are in the house of God, is just sometimes too much.
In the sermon this past Sunday, what my current pastor taught on was rather appropriate for me…remember. Remember what God has done and what he has said. Today, I remember my 46th birthday. I remember that God has made me holy. Holy means set apart. That doesn’t mean I am perfect, other than by what Jesus has done. But it does mean that everything that goes on in my life, good or bad, is his good work in me. He has a purpose. I don’t know what it is yet, but he definitely has a purpose. I had forgotten that for a little while, but I do remember it now. I am even writing it down so I can remember it tomorrow, and the next day, and the next and so on and so on…