Will Be Surprised

I am a little lost here. I sit in the Cincinnati Airport waiting to board a plane to NY, then Charlotte, finally home to Florida. It is 26 degrees outside...and I forgot to bring a jacket.

I got here by driving a box truck up with my youngest daughter Cassie, who is moving out.

For most, this would be a fun and exciting time. Martha and I will now be empty nesters and Cassie will be out making her own mark on the world...but it is definately not.

Both my daughters were raised to know God. Martha and I, both told them of all our experiences with God. We taught them all we knew of scripture, as any good Christian parent would. We had them recite the obviously useless "sinners" prayer to become new creatures.

I'm not saying that people don't get saved while praying it, but clearly, as scripture teaches, the heart must be involved, and if not, the words are irrelevant.

Cassie, went heavily the other way into a sinful lifestyle, and I just delivered her, and all her belongings, fully into it. Now, all I have is a broken heart, and a lot of questions.

As I sit, plugged in, at the airport gate, now in the boarding plane, I am reminded of days when I was new to this.

It was cassettes then, but pretty much the same music. As it was then, it is the same now. Not many want to talk, and the music softens the blows of life. So, I sit separate, alone, and moving to the beat.

I do trust God. That's not gonna change, but it doesn't mean I won't feel pain, sorrow, and great disspointment for how He manages my life. He does know best, in every area.

He is my good Father.

I wasn't a bad father. I'm not Him, so I'm not perfect. I made many mistakes, but nothing that would warrant the vehement hatred toward my Lord, and best friend. Still, God didn't reach my kids...yet.

He may never.

Look, it is nieve and foolish to claim general passages as prophetic words. "By His stripes" isn't a word of healing for everyone. The stripes healed sin damage, not necessarily body damage. Likewise, "train up a child" is no guarantee either. Even biblically, many Godly men had children who remained lost.

It breaks my heart.

Still, I have hope. God saved me for a reason only He knows. It had absolutely nothing to do with me. It wasn't random, I was picked. So is anyone else who comes to know Him.

As I listen to my tunes, from classic rock to worship (it is a rather eclectic mix), I watch people. I look for signs of Him working in anyone.

I can't see it.

It seems I never could, but I always hoped. In the early 80's when this was new to me, I had more hope for myself, and those I was watching. Now, after many trials, I just feel hardened.

I know the time is short and the world is much darker, yet, I know so much more of God than I did.

He is good.

I hope for these people. I hope for my kids. I hope for anyone who reads this. I hope they can all know God at the very least as much as I do.

There is some good, and bad to this. It is good to know God. It is wonderful having full assurance of my salvation, because of my relationship to the Master of the Universe.

It is bad to be separate.

It is necessary. Holy means separate, not perfect. Holy means I was picked for a special purpose. Separate means I am alone. Alone in my understanding, in my connection to others.

I'm not saying my marriage is bad, heavens no. Yet, even in that close relationship I must temper my conversations. Even Martha, who IS the most Godly woman I have ever met, cannot handle much of the information I struggle with.

It seems no one can...except Him.

This is not a bad thing, but it is a hard thing. He knows best, what I need and when. I must trust that...I do trust that. Still, as I said, it doesn't change that it still hurts.

He could.

He could drop authority on me right here and now, and I could speak a word that would make all of the lost around me drop to their knees to grab hold of Him.

He doesn't.

It is just like it was in the 80's. I wanted it then. I want it now.

He has taught me so much. I know it would change the lives of everyone...if they just didn't stumble over me.

I'm not impressive. I am kind. I am silly. I believe God often uses smiles to heal more than powerful words. Sometimes it is all I've got.

My words fall flat. They did for my kids. They did for almost everyone I have taught. I know why. It is not the words. It is not the presentation. It is God.

Isaiah 45:7

7. I form the light and create darkness, I bring prosperity and create disaster; I, the LORD, do all these things.

He could do it.

I can't. I'm just a separate man. Alone, deep inside, except for Him. Still, because of that, I am never alone.

I see all the lonely people.

So does He. It is a good thing to want to share with everyone. I think that is what He wants. However it is a greater thing to trust Him to make clear when and where. If I do it on my own, it will surely fail.

I have taught as much as I was able through the years. Most of what I have learned has been written now in this blog. It hasn't gone anywhere, but God knows, if He will ever make use of it. For my kids? For others? Only He knows. Me, I just need to do what He wants, when He wants. The success or failure is up to Him.

Our Hope is in Him.

I know God. I know He knows me. That should be all I need, but since I am not perfect, it isn't. I desire to be helpful. I desire to have a voice. I desire to show others a better way.

But I cant.

I know my daughter is in for a world of pain. She has chosen a life of rebellion, a life without Life.

It just breaks my heart.

What parent wants their child to suffer to come to the understanding, that you could just give them freely. Understanding, that would make the suffering unessecary.

Yet, that suffering is how I got my understanding.

He is a good Father.

He is my Father.

He is her Father, even if she doesn't believe it.

My hope is in Him.

It is the best place. He has my pain too, and of course He knows how much I can handle.

I said to Him years ago. "I'm not sure how much more of this I can handle." His reply?

"You will be suprised how much."