What You Can't See

It has not gone unnoticed how many likes I get for a post about the ocean or food, but how few I get for the things I write about God and the church.

I understand fully, much of what I write seems harsh, especially to the soft and "positive" mindset taught by most churches today and accepted, even relished by most "believers". Believe me when I tell you, what I write is from years of disappointment, discouragement and pain...from within the church. Truthfully, what I have written was always revised and softened greatly by the Spirit of the Living God. Yes, softened because He didn't want it to be as harsh as my heart would have written on it's own.

After many years of disdain and rejection by leaders, judgmental words by "church" people, separation and ostracization by most all in the churches we attended. Years of the same from unsaved managers in the work place and dislike from co-workers for my personality or some silly thing I said or did. Never receiving the grace or acceptance from them that was given by me and their piers for their same "lack". God finally told me why. On my birthday no less, almost as if it were a gift to me.

The truth is a gift, but sometimes the truth is disturbing.

It was 2008, November 20th. Within a week after I received notice, from my manager at Hewlett Packard, that I was being laid off. He didn't like me much. I never knew why. I guess I wasn't polished enough, maybe too silly or something. He just didn't like me. I knew this because he would tell one of my co-workers, who always told me afterward.

At the same time, I was attending a church in Texas. A Vineyard church. A church affiliation Martha and I had been a part of since 1994. We were sent out twice from that association to start churches. I had been a leader, of churches, ministries and home groups. I had taught Sunday school and served everywhere, when and where it was needed, from mopping floors to carrying equipment. Yet, when the second Church plant failed...we were abandoned. So, many years later, even though this Vineyard in Texas knew all this, they still ostracize us because the pastor somehow felt I was unworthy. Yea, he did. He said so several times that he "sensed" a problem.

He actually did, but it wasn't what he thought, and that is what God told me on my birthday.

Sitting in a recliner, with a notebook computer on my lap. I should have been job hunting, but it was my birthday after all. I decided to play hooky and watch a movie on it instead. OK, Before the movie, I did send out a couple of requests via email to co-workers and managers from other departments to see if they would help. They never did.

I don't remember if it was after the movie or during, but God gave me a vision.

In the vision I saw a man standing in the middle of a crowd of people. A rather large hand came down and lifted the man by his head. The hand moved the man far outside the group and put him down.

The man was me.

Then He spoke and said these words exactly. "I have marked you. I have marked you in such a way that those who hate me will hate you and those who are mine, yet are insecure, will be uncomfortable around you."

Yup, that is what I got for my birthday - from God. I cried.

I didn't cry for sadness, no. I cried, because after a period of being liked by most and climbing in both ministry and work, then all of a sudden having everything fall and go the other way, like a massive stone falling from the sky. I FINALLY understood why, and it wasn't me.

That is always the question, when this type of failure occurs over and over. So much so, I began to wonder if some how I smelled of something putrid but was completely unaware.

Obviously, my next concern was why would God do that. And yes I know that many, who will ever read this, will say He wouldn't. Truly, if you think or say that, you are no better than Job's friends. Worse even, for they at the very least sat with Job for three weeks before they spewed their ignorance of the greatness, power and purpose of the Almighty God. Yes, read the book, God can and very well would do this to anyone He wants to. For what reason? Well, that is simple. When I gave my life to God, I asked Him to do WHATEVER it takes to make me the best that HE can make me. This is exactly what He is doing and has been since 1984.

No it is not fun. There are days that I question whether or not I can survive. I often push back and say to Him, "your not supposed to give me more than I can handle"...His reply - "you will be surprised at what you can handle".

Oh, great!

Why do I write this? I don't really know. It has been a rough year...years...life. I am tired and cranky, but I still trust Him.

Do I regret asking Him to do this thing? Sometimes. But I would not ever take it back. At this point, I have come to far. I can't quit now.

So yes. I write harsh things. There is a reason. From my perspective, I want to accuse, just like my adversary, but from the Spirit, it is a warning. Judgement is coming, and though in my flesh I want retribution, I can honestly say in my heart - I don't. I want to see people there. I have already asked God, over and over, especially after a particularly hard day, week, month, not to hold anyone accountable, on that day, for what they did or didn't do to me. Feelings aside, that IS what I want.

I do love Him. Even when it seems He also hates me. I know He doesn't, but even in my writing, I am reminded by Him, that I have a purpose and He has a plan...even if I don't see it.

Even if no one else does too.